There are times in all of our lives that we feel ourselves losing control. Whether it’s from something we have no control over or whether it’s our doing, we all at some point lose control. Most of the time we hope that we don’t destroy everything we hold dear to us in the process. Sometimes it happens though.
You see it happening. You know what’s happening and yet you are powerless to do anything about it. After all, who willingly would want to destroy friendships, push people away and do irreperable harm to relationships that meant so much? No one. And yet, it happens.
One careless statement and trust is shattered. Trust that took a long time to build in the first place.
Selfishly putting yourself first and forgetting that someone else matters. Do it enough and you push everyone away to the point they likely cringe when they hear your voice or see your name.
Pushing too hard and having no patience when things don’t go your way. Patience is a virtue. Push too hard and you’ll push them so far away you’ll never get them back.
I’ve done all this and more to people I really care about. Why? Because I was selfish and so focused on what I needed that I never stopped to think about what they needed. I pushed so hard to get what I wanted and needed I pushed them so far away the damage is done and nothing can fix it now. Not that I blame them in the slightest. I acted horribly.
I had a conversation with one of these people recently and my words to him keep coming back to haunt me. I should have listened to my own advice, my own words. I meant them when I said them to him, why couldn’t I listen to them myself.
So this is an open apology to them. I abused our relationship, destroyed your trust in me, ruined friendships that meant a great deal to me and in the end I have only myself to blame. I make no excuses for my behaviour. I don’t ask for forgiveness. I’ve spent too long feeling sorry for myself for what I’ve lost. What’s done is done, I can’t change it now. I can’t undo what I’ve done.
I simply want to say, “I’m sorry.”
Lesson learned: Friends are a true gift and not one to be squandered over stupid things.
I’m moving on and moving forward. Taking each day and each friend for the blessing they are.
This be a little cryptic? x
It seems straight forward to me. Not that I expect any apologies, nor for any to be accepted of mine. But you know, it’s about time to see something like this, even if not meant for me, and even if it never means much will come of it in repairing what’s already been damage, and already been lost.
Don’t ask me why, because I don’t know completely for certain why I’m writing this. But, I do hope you haven’t given up on the Reach or the Crown. I can’t go back to the Crown, but still, I liked the original intent of it, and still do. It’s just not my place any more, and I’ve accepted that Angel Square is no longer my home. What was a year ago is no longer, nor can it be, regardless of the circumstances. For like a river, you may see the same stream, but it is not the same water, as that has flowed down the stream. Even the bedrock changes as sediment is picked up and moves on. Or even in the aftermath, when the river overflows and floods out around it’s boundaries, even in the destruction, some grace and hope still remains for some new beginning. I don’t know if it would be worse if, instead of a flood of destruction takes everything, there is stagnant, murky water filled with poison and debris that chokes all around it. Neither is so great, and yet I suppose both things happen in life. Honestly, I don’t think I could have seen me writing like this, under these circumstances a year ago. Hopes were to still be together now, but things changed, and, despite even those that wished I had tried to repair things, as if I never made the attempt, which I did -, it was too late, the levees had broken, and what was drowned and is six feet under now. But even so, maybe some day, there can be found a new hope in something. Who knows? All I know, is there is still hope for something, some day, even after the destruction has taken everything.
Don’t take this as ‘I’m sorry, let’s make up and be friends.’ I can’t and won’t expect it. But still, I can’t deny grace and hope as urgings of mine, even for those that once were loved and now have departed from that love.
Anyways, keep hope in something, that is all.
I’m not exactly sure what to say to this. I haven’t been here in ages and just saw these comments or I would have addressed them sooner. Time has passed, we all move on. I wish I could say ’sure, let’s be friends’ but I’m honestly not sure I can. I might have been able to before things got so incredibly out of control and the mud was slung as freely as it was, and in some respects, still is. Maybe someday.
I don’t know what mud that might be. We started on a course together, and that departed. Most would say I’m a fool to write any more on here, and maybe I am. I never hated what we had together, but I did hate what drove us apart. It wasn’t just you that was lost, but three years of my life. Three years in that city, and all it took to break it was one day, and the rest of the time after was just the fall.
I’m not going to ask for friendship, because I’ know it’s not there. Probably makes this comment pointless to most. So be it. All that ever was is in the past and long gone. Can’t expect anything out of the future, and I won’t.
Just what was, was ruined, and there’s no way to get it back. So I’m not going to ask for anything back. You can keep the ruins if you want. But while I still have life in me, I’m going to seek out what is still living and create anew. The ruins can continue to crumble.
I didn’t take anything away from you Ioh. The only one that drove you out of that city was yourself. Your need for vengeance or whatever it was that made you bring OOC to IC is what ended those 3 years. I was content to simply let things be. I’ve let it go. You obviously haven’t moved on. Let it go Ioh, you’ll be a happier man if you can let go of the hate.
Nice PR. Tell me when you want the truth.