There are times in all of our lives that we feel ourselves losing control.  Whether it’s from something we have no control over or whether it’s our doing, we all at some point lose control.  Most of the time we hope that we don’t destroy everything we hold dear to us in the process.  Sometimes it happens though. 

You see it happening.  You know what’s happening and yet you are powerless to do anything about it.  After all, who willingly would want to destroy friendships, push people away and do irreperable harm to relationships that meant so much?  No one.  And yet, it happens. 

One careless statement and trust is shattered.  Trust that took a long time to build in the first place. 

Selfishly putting yourself first and forgetting that someone else matters.  Do it enough and you push everyone away to the point they likely cringe when they hear your voice or see your name.

Pushing too hard and having no patience when things don’t go your way.  Patience is a virtue.  Push too hard and you’ll push them so far away you’ll never get them back.

I’ve done all this and more to people I really care about.  Why?  Because I was selfish and so focused on what I needed that I never stopped to think about what they needed.  I pushed so hard to get what I wanted and needed I pushed them so far away the damage is done and nothing can fix it now.  Not that I blame them in the slightest.  I acted horribly.

I had a conversation with one of these people recently and my words to him keep coming back to haunt me.  I should have listened to my own advice, my own words.  I meant them when I said them to him, why couldn’t I listen to them myself.

So this is an open apology to them.  I abused our relationship, destroyed your trust in me, ruined friendships that meant a great deal to me and in the end I have only myself to blame.  I make no excuses for my behaviour.  I don’t ask for forgiveness.  I’ve spent too long feeling sorry for myself for what I’ve lost.  What’s done is done, I can’t change it now.  I can’t undo what I’ve done.

I simply want to say, “I’m sorry.”

Lesson learned:  Friends are a true gift and not one to be squandered over stupid things. 

I’m moving on and moving forward.  Taking each day and each friend for the blessing they are.