Over the course of the past weeks I’ve been forced to re-read much of what I’ve written in what were private conversations.  Whether it was because it was posted somewhere without my permission or simply to refresh my own memory about past events, I’ve been revisiting the past alot.

Someone told me once that you can’t go back and they were right.  You really can’t go back.  Once you’ve lived that moment, it’s over it’s gone and you’ve already changed somewhat because of it.  To look back now, months later on the conversations I had with people I have to wonder what I was thinking when I said some of the things I said.  I’m not saying I would change the tone of my half of the conversation, or even the message but I said things then that I wouldn’t say now.  I remember these conversations like it was yesterday and all the same thoughts and feelings came back as if I was reliving it all over again.  I suppose the difference now is, I trusted the people I was talking to enough to share things with them that I wouldn’t share with the world and now it has been shared with the world.  Trust is hard enough to come by these days but to have that trust you’ve given be trashed, stomped on and thrown back at you….  I guess some things are better left unsaid no matter who you are talking to.

I’ve gone back and re-read the this blog too and one post I wrote rings true for me again today.  You can read it here:  http://www.baileylongcloth.com/2009/06/09/conflict/  Go ahead, go read it, I’ll wait.

The one thing I’ve learned now that perhaps I hadn’t thought of before is that sometimes the best way to deal with conflict is to walk away from it.  To learn to pick your battles and let go of the ones that while you may win, they serve no purpose in winning.  There are times when there even the winner loses. 

So, it’s Sunday.  RP Mass in Midian this afternoon.  Something I do look forward to every week.  While I am not overly religious in RL, I am a Catholic and even though it’s just RP, it does give me a good feeling for the upcoming week.   If nothing more than a simple reflection of the previous week.  I have a lot to reflect on.  Not to mention I get to RP with a bunch of people I truly like and care for.  Spending a few hours with them every week is something I truly look forward to.

Have a good day everyone.

Ok, so… now that I’ve resurrected the blog from the dust and cobwebs it’s been sitting in it’s time to decide what to do with it.

Perhaps it’s easier to say what I won’t do with it.

I won’t use this blog to trash, slander or otherwise publically humiliate anyone else.  This blog will be my own personal thoughts on a variety of subjects but I won’t use it against anyone.  You all can do what you want in the comments.  I’m not going to delete anything.  Let your words and thoughts speak for your own character.

This won’t be a fashion blog.  There are far too many out there already that I truly enjoy reading.  Let those that do it well, keep doing it.

This won’t be a blog solely about RPing or Midian specifically.  Yes I do RP quite a bit but I’m also a builder, a sim owner, a bar/club owner and a photographer.  I will talk about Midian but I’ll also talk about everything else too.

For those who have been reading the past few days and especially those who have read the comments and made comments to me directly, I apologize that the first thing you read is quite negative and unpleasant and the tone some of the comments have taken.  Those who know me well know what the last year has been like for me.  I’m not going to rehash it now.  I simply want to say thank you to all of you for everything.  It’s a new year though and I intend to look forward rather than back.

Comments will always be open, nothing will get deleted.  As a very wise woman said to me, how someone speaks about others is a better indication of the type of person they are than what others say about them.  Thank you Auntie for the talks, you truly are a gem.

Have a good weekend everyone!

This wasn’t the post I planned to post next but it seems it’s the one I need to post. 

I wonder if you’ve heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  I said in my last post, and in my comment I wanted civil discussion here and for the post part, I’m seeing it.  However, I’m also seeing comments whose only purpose is to defame, degrade, and attack people who choose to comment here. 

I’m seeing my friends attacked simply for being my friend.  That is no way to get agreement or to sway people to your side of an argument.  Personal attacks do nothing but to inflame and make you look like a fool.

As I see it, Ioh took issue with Midian and also with me. The issue with me is personal and should have stayed private.  I won’t discuss the details here or anywhere else within the public domain that I have not already stated.  As far as the issues that he sees in Midian… it’s hard to know if these are valid arguments or simply fueled by animosity and hate.

Ayami, Ari, BD have been wonderful friends and I cherish and value them for it.  Each I’m sure have had issues with Midian and me in the past and each and every time I’ve been involved, we’ve talked and worked things out.  As far as Midian is concerned, I have no power or control over anything except the Catwalkers.  The city itself and how it’s run, i’ve got nothing to do with.  To be honest, I have my own sims to worry about.

So, if you want to have an actual discussion about what may or may not be wrong in Midian, SL, RL or the Moon then fine, have a discussion here, I welcome it.  If all you want to do is throw barbs and jabs and insults then do it on -your- blog.  I’ve decided not to close comments or delete any.  Why?  Simple, the character of a person comes out in the way they respond and the words they use.  I’m not going  to hide behind my admin rights to delete.  Just like I try not to hide behind consent in Midian.

I’ll repeat my earlier quote for those who may have missed it…

 ”If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

I haven’t posted here in a long time.  I’d gotten out of the habit of blogging and really had nothing much to say.  After all, how many times can you say, yep looking for a job.  But… I’m working now so yay!  It’s not a permanent job yet but it’s looking good.  Just have to be patient.  That’s really not why I decide to write today.  No, I decided to write today in order to publish my thoughts on the past few months.   For those that know me, you know I’ve been RPing in Midian City for over a year now.  In all that time I’ve met some wonderful people.  I’ve learned a lot, have become a better RP’er and writer and I’ve worked hard to create a story for Bails.  The past few months haven’t been the easiest for me or for those close to me who have been through it all with me.  Here’s my take on things.  Now granted, every story has at least two sides.  This is my side. 

A year ago, Dazy talked me into coming to Midian and joining the Catwalkers.  I’d never RP’d before and wasn’t sure if I wanted to but I was looking for something new to do on SL and decided, why  not.  Around the same time she posted in Midian Chat that she was selling off some of her land and that I had land free on Angel Square.  (I still do by the way )  A few midianites chose to come live on Angel Square.  Ioh was one of them.  He moved in, we chatted, we RP’d together, we had a connection.  We started with an IC relationship between Ioh and Bails.  At some point that relationship changed and became an OOC one as well.  Bails pledged the Catwalkers and everything was grand.  Ioh and I decided that Bails would get pregnant, with twins.  An expedited pregnancy for reasons of our own and Bails became a full catwalker.  Everything was still grand.

At some point, I don’t know when things between Ioh and I were starting to be not so grand.  I’m not going to go into all the details here of what went wrong with our relationship.  That’s private and I really resent how much of it is being discussed among people who don’t know me, have never spoken to me and have no interest in knowing the full story.  Suffice to say, things were deteriorating.   Fast forward to June of 2009.  I got laid off at the end of the month.  Ioh knew months before that he would no longer have the job he had so come the end of June, he too was out of work.

Being unemployed isn’t easy.  Anyone who has been there knows that.  It takes all your will just to get out of bed in the morning and make phone calls, send off emails with resumes.  I took a couple classes and was doing everything I could to get a job in my field.  During the next few months, Ioh and I really did nothing but argue over things.  He and I certainly did not see eye to eye on a great many things.  The most important of which was the possibility of a RL relationship.  I won’t speak for him but I simply couldn’t afford a trip to the West Coast for a visit.  I was/am having enough trouble just paying the bills.  He suggested I move to the West Coast.  My family is here on the East Coast and I wasn’t about to pick up and move across the country.  As I said, I’m having enough trouble paying the bills I have, the idea of moving expenses, job hunting in a part of the country I’m totally unfamiliar with, call me a coward but no I wasn’t going to do it.  I don’t recall him saying he was looking for jobs on the East Coast, maybe he did.  So, our relationship deteriorated further to the point where he gave me an ultimatum.

Now this was the second one he had given me.  After the first I told him to NEVER do it again.  So, when I got the second one I told him I wasn’t responding to it.  He decided to leave the Catwalkers, the Parish and all his groups.  He was leaving Midian and SL.  This was during the time of his ‘coma’ RP.  A RP that I didn’t know anything about until I was told he planned on passing out in the middle of mass, basically keeling over while delivering the Gospel as Deacon.  I thought this was a horrible idea and talked him out of it.  He and I came up with a new plan and executed it.  During the course of the rest of that week he laid in the bed in the med den ‘dreaming’.  Most of these dreams were delivered in latin so that most of those in the area had no idea what was being said without a translation.  It was uncomfortable but we all did it.  Then came the time for him to come out of the coma.  Again, we talked about possibilities and a tie in to another RP I was doing with Dazy.  Well, none of those possibilities happened.  Ioh gave me his ultimatum.  He left all the groups.  He said he was leaving.

On October 25th around 3am my phone rang a few times.  When the phone rings in the middle of the night, your instantly wide awake.  Especially when you have parents with health issues.  So when I saw the number on my caller ID I didn’t answer it.  The next morning I sent Ioh a text stating how unhappy I was with him calling me at 3am.  He didn’t think it was a big deal.  Though later that day I received an email from him stating that he was in fact leaving Midian and SL and that there would be no more communication with him.  Since that email, I haven’t spoken to him.

So, Ioh left Midian, simply disappeared from the Catwalker med den.  Bails was left to figure out how to continue her story without him.  I talked to a lot of people about it.  Got a lot of advice.  I chose a path and the others who were involved in our story agreed to go along with it.  Some time later Ioh returns to Midian, no memory of who he was but with a deep hatred for the Catwalkers.  My choice was to not RP with him based on comments he was making in Flickr, the forum and within Midian Chat.  His character and alts decided to push the boundaries of what is acceptable in Midian in relation to faction HQs.  At that time I told the catwalkers ‘my’ position and that they could do what they wanted.  After speaking with several of them it was becoming obvious that he wasn’t someone they wanted to RP with.  Their choice.

Now, in all of this time I have never once publically said anything against Ioh.  I’ve never AR’d him.  I’ve not commented on his flickr.  I’ve not responded to any of his forum posts.  Even when I was passing complaints from my cats about him to Midian admins I was still not asking for him to be banned from anywhere.  My position, and it still is… if I can ignore him so can anyone else.

Things have gone to far though lately.  Between what he said on the forums and what he has said specifically about me in Flickr I’m done keeping quiet.  So, this is my side of the story.  No, it’s not complete.  I’ve left a lot out on purpose.  It’s my belief that some things are private and should remain that way.  Yes, I loved him.  Until recently, I still cared what happened to him and was sad to see what he had resorted to.  I’m done though.  I’ve had enough.  He can say what he wants about me.  Call me any names he wants.  None of that will change how I felt and the pain I went through.  So, if you want to post a comment here, be my guest.  It’s not my position to delete posts but I will if your just trolling.  Have something constructive to say, a question, a criticism that’s fine but be civil about it.