Another chapter in my SL life has closed.  I stepped down as Matron of the Catwalkers. While some may argue about how I did it, that it was selfish and full of drama I’ll answer, “Yes, it was”.  Yes it was selfish but she was my character to do with what I pleased and so I have.  Was it full of drama, yes it was.  What is the point of RP if not for the drama?  Drama need not always be a bad thing.  So, page has turned, Bails has left Midian.  She may or may not be alive.  I left the door open so that someday if things change enough in Midian I might come back.  For now, I’ve moved on.

I’ve found a new sim to play on.  I’m not going to divulge it here because I’m playing there on an alt and frankly I simply wanted to be able to start fresh.  The few that know, know.  If you figure it out, keep it to yourself.

Angel Square is going through some changes too.  From the rundown urban city to a dark forest full of shadows, secrets and magic.  Ruins, a waterfall, a stand of stones, a stream are all possible.  It will start taking shape in the next week, feel free to stop by and check it out.  A huge THANK YOU to Bianca who is going to do the heavy lifting.  She does amazing work.

I’m also considering buying another sim.  Huge investment yes and a risk if it’s not rented out to cover the tier costs.  Hence why I’m ‘considering’ it for now.  Maybe if Angel Square paid for itself it would be an easier decision.  I know I could give up my plot of land and rent it out but then where do I live?  Maybe a homestead that I can split with someone, that would be the best idea so some things to think about.  There is no rush after all.  Maybe a birthday present to myself.

So a big Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.  Enjoy your turkey and football and for all those who plan to be out shopping at 4am….. save me a spot in line cause I think I’m going to join you this year.  I’ll make the appointment to have my head examined on Monday!

Love ya all!

Well perhaps not entirely new but life has certainly improved since I last wrote here.  It’s been awhile and I’d nearly forgotten about this blog.  I’ve been contemplating whether or not to even keep this going over the past few days.  I decided to keep it and hopefully I can keep up with it.  Lots has happened in the last 6 months or so, let’s see if I can update all of it.

First, I’ve got a job!  Finally, after a year I’m employed again and I truly love my job.  It’s an amazing place and the people are awesome.  I’m working crazy hours but I don’t mind, the money is great and the work is fun.  What more can you ask for really?

Ok, so SL.  Lots and lots has gone on.  The Crown is gone.  Prad and I both agreed it was time to let it go.  It wasn’t being used and neither of us really had the time to put into it.  While I was sad to see it go, times and people change and their focus alters.  Club C2P is still on Angel Square and perhaps it will get used, perhaps it won’t.  It’s my sim so it’s really up to me to promote it if I want to.  Do I want to being the question. 

Midian:  Midian has had it’s up and downs in the last 6 months.  I’m still Matron of the Catwalkers but I have to admit I’ve been more than ready to pack it in on more than one occasion.  Being FL is an awful job sometimes.  I’m not going to quit though, I’ll stick it out and work on improving things in the faction and on sim if I can.  I want to see Midian thrive and flourish.  Regardless of what has happened on sim both ICly and OOCly, it’s still a good place with good rp’rs.  It’s not easy to find another rp sim that offers what Midian does.  Believe me, I’ve looked.

Catwalkers:  The faction is strong again with a lot of new and old cats.  I’m not sure if I feel like we are a really cohesive, close group yet.  That’s something I need to work on, it’s my responsibility as FL to foster that and I haven’t lately.  I’ve been so busy with work and some personal issues that I’ve not paid enough attention to the faction and that I need to change.  I’ve got a few ideas so we’ll see where it goes.

Friends:  Friends come and go.  Over the course of our lifetime we have people who come in and out of our lives and touch us hopefully for the better.  There are two people who are no longer in my life who dramatically altered it and how I look at things.  The fact that they are no longer in my life saddens me to an extent.  I put a lot into those relationships, or tried to.  They would tell you something different.  They would tell you that my only focus was on destroying their relationship, that I was somehow jealous.  That’s where they would be wrong.  The fact that they believe that means they didn’t/don’t know me at all.  Yes, those friendships ended primarily because of what I said and did.  I won’t argue that.  My motivation for it though isn’t what they think.  I’m not going to publish all the gorey details here of what happened.  It’s personal and shall remain so.  Am I sorry I hurt them, yes I am.  Would i do things differently if I had the chance, probably.  Will that change anything?  No, not at all.

Regrets and Decisions:  I talked to a good friend recently who told me I was completely transparent, that I can’t hide how I feel or what’s going on.  He’s right, I can’t.  I try to be cryptic and mysterious and fail miserably.  I simply am who I am.  The one thing this recent ‘drama’ taught me, while some decisions may be the ‘right’ thing to do, doing them is wrong.  So, while I did what I thought was right, I shouldn’t have done it.  I should have just kept my mouth shut and kept things secret.  Why didn’t I?  Simple, I was asked, “Don’t I have a right to know?”  Well the answer to that is also simple, yes you do but it wasn’t my place to tell.  Of course, I would also have to reply, “Don’t ask the question if you don’t want the answer.”  Because really, once that question is asked, the person you ask is doomed regardless of what they say.  If they keep the information to themselves, they are hiding things and a liar.  If they tell the truth, then they are jealous and undermining.  It’s a no win situation for the person holding the information.  I regret hurting someone but at the end of the day, I told the truth.  I’m willing to pay the price for that.  A friend of mine told me he saw this coming months ago.  Perhaps he’s right and it was inevitable that this would happen,  that all this would come out eventually and that I would be the one blamed for it.   So be it.

I think that’s enough rambling for my first post back into blog world.  More to come, I promise.

There are times in all of our lives that we feel ourselves losing control.  Whether it’s from something we have no control over or whether it’s our doing, we all at some point lose control.  Most of the time we hope that we don’t destroy everything we hold dear to us in the process.  Sometimes it happens though. 

You see it happening.  You know what’s happening and yet you are powerless to do anything about it.  After all, who willingly would want to destroy friendships, push people away and do irreperable harm to relationships that meant so much?  No one.  And yet, it happens. 

One careless statement and trust is shattered.  Trust that took a long time to build in the first place. 

Selfishly putting yourself first and forgetting that someone else matters.  Do it enough and you push everyone away to the point they likely cringe when they hear your voice or see your name.

Pushing too hard and having no patience when things don’t go your way.  Patience is a virtue.  Push too hard and you’ll push them so far away you’ll never get them back.

I’ve done all this and more to people I really care about.  Why?  Because I was selfish and so focused on what I needed that I never stopped to think about what they needed.  I pushed so hard to get what I wanted and needed I pushed them so far away the damage is done and nothing can fix it now.  Not that I blame them in the slightest.  I acted horribly.

I had a conversation with one of these people recently and my words to him keep coming back to haunt me.  I should have listened to my own advice, my own words.  I meant them when I said them to him, why couldn’t I listen to them myself.

So this is an open apology to them.  I abused our relationship, destroyed your trust in me, ruined friendships that meant a great deal to me and in the end I have only myself to blame.  I make no excuses for my behaviour.  I don’t ask for forgiveness.  I’ve spent too long feeling sorry for myself for what I’ve lost.  What’s done is done, I can’t change it now.  I can’t undo what I’ve done.

I simply want to say, “I’m sorry.”

Lesson learned:  Friends are a true gift and not one to be squandered over stupid things. 

I’m moving on and moving forward.  Taking each day and each friend for the blessing they are.

Now that it seems all the drama over here has died down it’s time to start blogging again.  The insane week at work is over and now that things there are quieting down… well I’m not exhausted anymore and can find the time for this again.

So, a bunch of things to talk about…

The Crown…. is not going away.  Thanks to a wonderful patron who has asked to be anonymous, it will live on.  Neither Prad or I ever wanted the Crown to be a place where those who came to enjoy it would be constantly pumping the customers for tips.  Because of that we’ve basically paid for the place out of our own pockets.  It never mattered how busy the place was, we just never pushed for donations.  With both Prad and I busy these days the running of the place has fallen on Skittles and she does an amazing job!!  I’m hoping that in the coming months you’ll see a lot going on over there.

Rein…. Yes, Rein and I split up.  Yes, it was his idea to do so.  Some who may read this blog will probably smile at this with an I told you so and revel in my misfortune and hurt.  So be it.  There will always be those who do that.  It’s been over a week since he and I broke up and there has been a lot of hurt on both sides and at least on my side, a lot of tears.  I’ve lost someone who first and foremost was a friend and that I will mourn.  Anything else is personal between he and I and will stay that way.

Midian… Midian is in chaos because of Damian’s death.  It’s going to be a long week but I hope it spurs some good changes and roleplay and gets everyone thinking well of the city again.  There has been lots of OOC drama over the last few months.  Hopefully this new sim wide plot will pull the city back together. 

Angel Square… A few open plots of land are up for sale/rent.  IM me in world if interested.

Catwalkers…. We have new kittens and we are pulling together to deal with the cities latest crisis.  As always, cats land on their feet.  It’ll be  a difficult time but we’ll come out on the other side better than we were.

It’s a short post I know, but it’s just a quick update.  More to come later….

Have a brilliant day everyone!

In a previous post I commented that I was going to RP mass at St Michaels in Midian on Sunday.  Unfortunately a plumbing emergency made me miss the last half of mass but I was still able to participate in the majority of it.

I may not post often during mass but that doesn’t mean I’m not paying attention, letting Eamon’s words sink in.  I’m not a big flowery poster.  I don’t always emote everything I’m thinking or feeling.  It’s just not my way.  But one thing that has come up in the past few days is a question of faith.

Faith to me is a blind acceptance of something that can’t be proven.  I question everything normally.  What I don’t question though is my faith in my friends and my faith in some higher power that is looking out for all of us.  My friends have proved time and again that they are there for me.  We may not always agree, we may fight but in the end we will make up and move on, a closer better relationship because of it.

There are a couple of old sayings, “Whenever God closes a door he opens a window” and “You never get thrown more than you can handle”.  I truly believe these.  My life has changed dramatically in the last 6 – 7 months.  Have the circumstances in my real life changed how I look at things and my reactions?  In a word, yes.  How can they not.

I was in a relationship for months that ended badly.  I don’t dispute that.  I won’t even dispute that I hold some responsibility for that.  Did I love him?  Yes.  Did I give up eventually?  Yes.  Am I proud of that?  No, but you reach a point where it’s just simply time to let it go and move on.  I did.  That was months ago.  Why it has all come up again in the last couple of weeks I don’t know but it has.  Now we all get to relive it.  I’d prefer not to.  I was there the first time.

It’s time to move on and put the past behind me. 

It’s time to have Faith that what lies ahead is better than what lies behind.

It’s time to have Faith  in myself.

Happy Groundhog Day y’all, and here’s to another 6 weeks of winter.  Groan.

Over the course of the past weeks I’ve been forced to re-read much of what I’ve written in what were private conversations.  Whether it was because it was posted somewhere without my permission or simply to refresh my own memory about past events, I’ve been revisiting the past alot.

Someone told me once that you can’t go back and they were right.  You really can’t go back.  Once you’ve lived that moment, it’s over it’s gone and you’ve already changed somewhat because of it.  To look back now, months later on the conversations I had with people I have to wonder what I was thinking when I said some of the things I said.  I’m not saying I would change the tone of my half of the conversation, or even the message but I said things then that I wouldn’t say now.  I remember these conversations like it was yesterday and all the same thoughts and feelings came back as if I was reliving it all over again.  I suppose the difference now is, I trusted the people I was talking to enough to share things with them that I wouldn’t share with the world and now it has been shared with the world.  Trust is hard enough to come by these days but to have that trust you’ve given be trashed, stomped on and thrown back at you….  I guess some things are better left unsaid no matter who you are talking to.

I’ve gone back and re-read the this blog too and one post I wrote rings true for me again today.  You can read it here:  http://www.baileylongcloth.com/2009/06/09/conflict/  Go ahead, go read it, I’ll wait.

The one thing I’ve learned now that perhaps I hadn’t thought of before is that sometimes the best way to deal with conflict is to walk away from it.  To learn to pick your battles and let go of the ones that while you may win, they serve no purpose in winning.  There are times when there even the winner loses. 

So, it’s Sunday.  RP Mass in Midian this afternoon.  Something I do look forward to every week.  While I am not overly religious in RL, I am a Catholic and even though it’s just RP, it does give me a good feeling for the upcoming week.   If nothing more than a simple reflection of the previous week.  I have a lot to reflect on.  Not to mention I get to RP with a bunch of people I truly like and care for.  Spending a few hours with them every week is something I truly look forward to.

Have a good day everyone.

Ok, so… now that I’ve resurrected the blog from the dust and cobwebs it’s been sitting in it’s time to decide what to do with it.

Perhaps it’s easier to say what I won’t do with it.

I won’t use this blog to trash, slander or otherwise publically humiliate anyone else.  This blog will be my own personal thoughts on a variety of subjects but I won’t use it against anyone.  You all can do what you want in the comments.  I’m not going to delete anything.  Let your words and thoughts speak for your own character.

This won’t be a fashion blog.  There are far too many out there already that I truly enjoy reading.  Let those that do it well, keep doing it.

This won’t be a blog solely about RPing or Midian specifically.  Yes I do RP quite a bit but I’m also a builder, a sim owner, a bar/club owner and a photographer.  I will talk about Midian but I’ll also talk about everything else too.

For those who have been reading the past few days and especially those who have read the comments and made comments to me directly, I apologize that the first thing you read is quite negative and unpleasant and the tone some of the comments have taken.  Those who know me well know what the last year has been like for me.  I’m not going to rehash it now.  I simply want to say thank you to all of you for everything.  It’s a new year though and I intend to look forward rather than back.

Comments will always be open, nothing will get deleted.  As a very wise woman said to me, how someone speaks about others is a better indication of the type of person they are than what others say about them.  Thank you Auntie for the talks, you truly are a gem.

Have a good weekend everyone!

This wasn’t the post I planned to post next but it seems it’s the one I need to post. 

I wonder if you’ve heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  I said in my last post, and in my comment I wanted civil discussion here and for the post part, I’m seeing it.  However, I’m also seeing comments whose only purpose is to defame, degrade, and attack people who choose to comment here. 

I’m seeing my friends attacked simply for being my friend.  That is no way to get agreement or to sway people to your side of an argument.  Personal attacks do nothing but to inflame and make you look like a fool.

As I see it, Ioh took issue with Midian and also with me. The issue with me is personal and should have stayed private.  I won’t discuss the details here or anywhere else within the public domain that I have not already stated.  As far as the issues that he sees in Midian… it’s hard to know if these are valid arguments or simply fueled by animosity and hate.

Ayami, Ari, BD have been wonderful friends and I cherish and value them for it.  Each I’m sure have had issues with Midian and me in the past and each and every time I’ve been involved, we’ve talked and worked things out.  As far as Midian is concerned, I have no power or control over anything except the Catwalkers.  The city itself and how it’s run, i’ve got nothing to do with.  To be honest, I have my own sims to worry about.

So, if you want to have an actual discussion about what may or may not be wrong in Midian, SL, RL or the Moon then fine, have a discussion here, I welcome it.  If all you want to do is throw barbs and jabs and insults then do it on -your- blog.  I’ve decided not to close comments or delete any.  Why?  Simple, the character of a person comes out in the way they respond and the words they use.  I’m not going  to hide behind my admin rights to delete.  Just like I try not to hide behind consent in Midian.

I’ll repeat my earlier quote for those who may have missed it…

 ”If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

I haven’t posted here in a long time.  I’d gotten out of the habit of blogging and really had nothing much to say.  After all, how many times can you say, yep looking for a job.  But… I’m working now so yay!  It’s not a permanent job yet but it’s looking good.  Just have to be patient.  That’s really not why I decide to write today.  No, I decided to write today in order to publish my thoughts on the past few months.   For those that know me, you know I’ve been RPing in Midian City for over a year now.  In all that time I’ve met some wonderful people.  I’ve learned a lot, have become a better RP’er and writer and I’ve worked hard to create a story for Bails.  The past few months haven’t been the easiest for me or for those close to me who have been through it all with me.  Here’s my take on things.  Now granted, every story has at least two sides.  This is my side. 

A year ago, Dazy talked me into coming to Midian and joining the Catwalkers.  I’d never RP’d before and wasn’t sure if I wanted to but I was looking for something new to do on SL and decided, why  not.  Around the same time she posted in Midian Chat that she was selling off some of her land and that I had land free on Angel Square.  (I still do by the way )  A few midianites chose to come live on Angel Square.  Ioh was one of them.  He moved in, we chatted, we RP’d together, we had a connection.  We started with an IC relationship between Ioh and Bails.  At some point that relationship changed and became an OOC one as well.  Bails pledged the Catwalkers and everything was grand.  Ioh and I decided that Bails would get pregnant, with twins.  An expedited pregnancy for reasons of our own and Bails became a full catwalker.  Everything was still grand.

At some point, I don’t know when things between Ioh and I were starting to be not so grand.  I’m not going to go into all the details here of what went wrong with our relationship.  That’s private and I really resent how much of it is being discussed among people who don’t know me, have never spoken to me and have no interest in knowing the full story.  Suffice to say, things were deteriorating.   Fast forward to June of 2009.  I got laid off at the end of the month.  Ioh knew months before that he would no longer have the job he had so come the end of June, he too was out of work.

Being unemployed isn’t easy.  Anyone who has been there knows that.  It takes all your will just to get out of bed in the morning and make phone calls, send off emails with resumes.  I took a couple classes and was doing everything I could to get a job in my field.  During the next few months, Ioh and I really did nothing but argue over things.  He and I certainly did not see eye to eye on a great many things.  The most important of which was the possibility of a RL relationship.  I won’t speak for him but I simply couldn’t afford a trip to the West Coast for a visit.  I was/am having enough trouble just paying the bills.  He suggested I move to the West Coast.  My family is here on the East Coast and I wasn’t about to pick up and move across the country.  As I said, I’m having enough trouble paying the bills I have, the idea of moving expenses, job hunting in a part of the country I’m totally unfamiliar with, call me a coward but no I wasn’t going to do it.  I don’t recall him saying he was looking for jobs on the East Coast, maybe he did.  So, our relationship deteriorated further to the point where he gave me an ultimatum.

Now this was the second one he had given me.  After the first I told him to NEVER do it again.  So, when I got the second one I told him I wasn’t responding to it.  He decided to leave the Catwalkers, the Parish and all his groups.  He was leaving Midian and SL.  This was during the time of his ‘coma’ RP.  A RP that I didn’t know anything about until I was told he planned on passing out in the middle of mass, basically keeling over while delivering the Gospel as Deacon.  I thought this was a horrible idea and talked him out of it.  He and I came up with a new plan and executed it.  During the course of the rest of that week he laid in the bed in the med den ‘dreaming’.  Most of these dreams were delivered in latin so that most of those in the area had no idea what was being said without a translation.  It was uncomfortable but we all did it.  Then came the time for him to come out of the coma.  Again, we talked about possibilities and a tie in to another RP I was doing with Dazy.  Well, none of those possibilities happened.  Ioh gave me his ultimatum.  He left all the groups.  He said he was leaving.

On October 25th around 3am my phone rang a few times.  When the phone rings in the middle of the night, your instantly wide awake.  Especially when you have parents with health issues.  So when I saw the number on my caller ID I didn’t answer it.  The next morning I sent Ioh a text stating how unhappy I was with him calling me at 3am.  He didn’t think it was a big deal.  Though later that day I received an email from him stating that he was in fact leaving Midian and SL and that there would be no more communication with him.  Since that email, I haven’t spoken to him.

So, Ioh left Midian, simply disappeared from the Catwalker med den.  Bails was left to figure out how to continue her story without him.  I talked to a lot of people about it.  Got a lot of advice.  I chose a path and the others who were involved in our story agreed to go along with it.  Some time later Ioh returns to Midian, no memory of who he was but with a deep hatred for the Catwalkers.  My choice was to not RP with him based on comments he was making in Flickr, the forum and within Midian Chat.  His character and alts decided to push the boundaries of what is acceptable in Midian in relation to faction HQs.  At that time I told the catwalkers ‘my’ position and that they could do what they wanted.  After speaking with several of them it was becoming obvious that he wasn’t someone they wanted to RP with.  Their choice.

Now, in all of this time I have never once publically said anything against Ioh.  I’ve never AR’d him.  I’ve not commented on his flickr.  I’ve not responded to any of his forum posts.  Even when I was passing complaints from my cats about him to Midian admins I was still not asking for him to be banned from anywhere.  My position, and it still is… if I can ignore him so can anyone else.

Things have gone to far though lately.  Between what he said on the forums and what he has said specifically about me in Flickr I’m done keeping quiet.  So, this is my side of the story.  No, it’s not complete.  I’ve left a lot out on purpose.  It’s my belief that some things are private and should remain that way.  Yes, I loved him.  Until recently, I still cared what happened to him and was sad to see what he had resorted to.  I’m done though.  I’ve had enough.  He can say what he wants about me.  Call me any names he wants.  None of that will change how I felt and the pain I went through.  So, if you want to post a comment here, be my guest.  It’s not my position to delete posts but I will if your just trolling.  Have something constructive to say, a question, a criticism that’s fine but be civil about it.

Ok ok, I know I said I’d blog more often.  I planned to, I really did.  So why haven’t I?  Who knows, perhaps it’s just that I’ve not had anything to say or that I have so much to say I don’t know where to start and don’t write anything.  Well, things are starting to change bit by bit so time to write!  No, haven’t found a job yet.  Still looking, still sending out resumes.  I’ll find something… eventually.  I’m not going to spend valuable web space going on and on about my job hunt.  Instead, let me tell you about what’s coming in SL in my little corner of the virual world.

Gallery of Light:  The Gallery is having a reopening.  Instead of having multiple photographers displayed at once, the focus will be on one artist at a time.  Each will be displayed in the Gallery for a month.  The first will likely be up by the end of the week with a full launch party in her honor.  She doesn’t know about the party yet.   No date set yet but I’ll post the invite to the party and details about the show closer to the opening.  Stayed tuned here for details on that!

Crown and Pearl/C2P:  We’ve had some awesome parties the past week or two and I want to see them continue.  In order to do that Prad and I have hired a manager to help us out.  Prad and I both have other responsibilities that keep us out of the Crown on a regular basis but that doesn’t mean we don’t care about the place.  Quite the contrary.  I’ll be sending a note out to all of the DJs who have played regularly and welcome note to the group itself next week.  This is just a heads up that you should start to see more going on at both the Crown and C2P.  If you want more info, drop me a note in world or leave a message here.  I’ll be putting up a more formal post here about what were are planning so stay tuned for that too!

Longcloth ltd:  Yes, I started my own business.  I’ve got a few pieces up on xstreet now and will be adding more.  Right now I’m working on some Yoga poses that will come in a yoga mat.  Eventually I’ll have everything in world in one of the stores in Angel Square.  For now, if you want to see any of the items I have on xstreet in person, just drop me an IM and I’ll be happy to show you.  Pictures don’t always do these things justice you know.

Angel Square:  There is some open land plots on the island.  Whether you want to buy the land or just rent it, I can accomodate you.  Tier/rental prices are reasonable and inline with the rest of SL.  If you’ve been to Angel Square you know it’s a fairly quiet sim, with very few griefers/trouble makers.  The current residents are all wonderful folks and very friendly.  If you are looking for a nice  place to rent some land with a reasonable landlord, then drop me an IM.  I’d be happy to show you around.

Well…. I think that’s about it for now.  More detailed posts will be forth coming about the Crown and the Gallery in the near future so stay tuned!

Cheers…

Bails